Being outside my home or being with non-intimates, not-immediate family, once took outrageous amounts of energy from me. I have learned to spend less energy in social situations, and control the contact I have with others. This is an ever shifting challenge. It is a balancing act.
Beyond being a challenge, it also hurts. I force myself to go out and do things. It has been difficult for me to develop and maintain a schedule I can keep in good times and bad. When I am up and productive, I want to do more than I am doing. When I am level and maintaining, I need a schedule that will not overwhelm me when all I can manage is my regular old life. When I am down I need a schedule that will look normal from the outside.
I think at times that I should quit trying to write or have a business. But I have always written and it is something I have to do. It is something society does not value. It is a hobby in the view of the rest of the world. But it is an activity that keeps me sane. As long as I have lots of down time and uninterrupted time to write, I am okay.
I am living with the wrong type of person for someone with my unique set of challenges. I have lived with my husband, friend, and father or my child for 27 years. The fact that we are not an ideal match per what is advised by counselors. But we do not consult psychic counselors with precognitive skills as premarital counselors to address potential situations years down the line after marriage.
My husband is a successful man, but a successful man in academia does not make enough money to compensate for having a wife with depression who is also a creative. I love my husband, but I am trying to build a writing business and develop a life that does not trigger severe depressive behaviors in me. To say that this is challenging is a bit of an understatement.
But for those of you who follow my writings, I have to say that I am pleased with myself. I have survived another period when it would have been easy to give up on my dreams. But I have kept moving and plodding on ahead furthering my personal writing reflections and moving my legacy-focused writing business on ahead. I do not entertain defeat.
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time, Nancy. Please keep writing. You’re a very talented writer and I love reading your work. Keep going!
Thanks Lois. I put one foot in front of the other and keep going. It is frustrating to not be able to do all I feel I should be able to do. I write this so others will know it is not just them.
Your legacy project is super-important! The fact that you could conceptualize and keep it going is HUGE, especially with the things you face. Keep on truckin’, girl!
Hugs, Nancy. I’m glad that you’ve realised that writing is what you need to do, even if it is so hard at times. Like Lois said, do keep writing – it is your unique gift to the world.
Sometimes I wonder if I should continue putting so much energy into my blogs too, but then I remind myself that I’m doing this for myself and not for others.
Like you, I get easily overwhelmed by all I *have* to do. Thanks for reminding me that some days just putting one foot in front of the other is enough. I don’t care if folks think what we do is a “hobby,” it’s still important work and can make the difference to another person, even if we never know it. Thanks again.