I am frustrated enough to spit nails, as my Mom used to say, although what she would actually say was “mad enough to spit nails.” But only dogs become mad as my husband, in his role as the semantic cop, is wont to say. The vile corruption of our elections by evil blubbery little men like Karl Rove does not help my overall dissatisfaction with much of my life. But the slow pace of getting my empty nester site up is driving me crazy. It is nothing that an infusion of funds or even a few positive, supportive statements wouldn't help mitigate. But neither are likely to appear in my life any time soon. So I have to buck up and find a way to succeed. I almost wrote “keep on trying,” but I have to stop trying and start accomplishing.
Even though I have found my tribe, online, in women my age who write, I read about the lives of women who are my age, who write blogs, who are amazing and I can't help it, I compare my life to what they choose to share about themselves. This is always a bit difficult for me. I have issues. Most of them are as resolved as they can be for the moment. I have found that there is always another level of understanding to develop. I also know that people paint a far more rosy picture of their personal lives in public depictions than is probably the case. I am in the process of turning the envy I feel into motivation to change things. But my attitude is teetering on the edge of slipping into badness.
Old issues are not the problem right now. A new configuration is the problem. I am trying so hard to be what I want to be. Visualization has been extremely useful for me in my life. Practice before the real thing is now a positive experience for me, mostly. Firsts have been extremely difficult for me in the past, but I have finally developed confidence. What I'm dealing with now is finding the resolve and creating a structure that will support me while I build a business on my own. All the elements within the process are familiar so I am not having any problem visualizing what I do next . I am letting personal problems get in the way of business. If I had money to throw at the problem, it wouldn't be a problem, so I must simply work harder and do more myself since I cannot hire anything else done.
It is difficult to build a business with no money and no one to run ideas past or even someone around for moral support. My hubby is a great person and a brilliant scientist, but he has his own set of personal challenges that make it difficult for him to do the moral support thing, just as I do. I am not at liberty to discuss his challenges in life, but there are things that neither one of us learned in the socialization process that hold us back in personal relaionships.
When I start feeling like this I always end up wondering if I really do have to work three times as hard as everyone else because of lacking resources, healthy experiences to draw upon, and friends to bounce ideas off, or whether I am just a whiner looking for excuses.
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You are absolutely NOT a whiner!!! You’ve got more moxie than any other woman I know lady and I think that the things you have accomplished thus far, on YOUR OWN, is remarkable, and I have honestly been in awe of a lot of it, as I don’t think I would have been able to pull it off!!!
I have shown my daughters, many of the remarkable things you have written, and I am proud that I know a woman like you ~ so DON’T GIVE UP!!!
Thank you, Deb. I am just very frustrated with my professional and monetary level of success and independence, and the isolation I have allowed to develop around myself. I have to make some hard choices and then carry through with them, and my autopilot seems to be malfunctioning. Fall is always a hard time for me.
I decided a couple years ago to be honest and write about my ups and downs, because that fluctuation is very real and so many people project the image that everything is just hunky-dory with themselves at all times that I, for one, at times can begin to think that no one but me faces these variations in mood and attitude, and I know that isn’t the case, it just seems like it at times.
Hugs to you!
I am honored that you have shared things I’ve written with your daughters. Now that is a compliment.