Today, while I was updating a woefully out-of-date profile on WordPress/Gravatar I re-affirmed a most basic part of myself. I am in awe of life.
Old enough to know better. I wander in awe amid the complexity, order, and nuance of life. The ripples of small acts amplify my belief in goodness. I try to let those ripples carry me along as I observe, write, share, and curate.
A while back I made this shareable graphic. It is along the same lines. There is some consistency in my nature and actions.
I spent half the night, this past night, awake and ruminating in a way that I rarely do. Once I woke every night with concerns, what-ifs, and relived painful and confusing times. I rarely do that these days, or should I say nights?
I do wonder about what ifs, branching realities, and alternate universes. As a mature woman I do not spend a lot of time in wonderment over those things though. Concerns still plague me, financial for the most part. I so wish I could help my husband by bringing money into our lives.
My creative worth brings great enrichment to mine, but I know I am a needy weight financially to him. It would not have been all that different had I had myself declared disabled due to depression and PTSD. But I simply have not been able to do that. I do not believe I am mentally ill. I do have some challenges, however. I wanted to write an article for SheKnows.com in May about my struggle with mental illness but there is nothing wrong with my “mentals,” and they seemed to want people to come out about mental illness. I am not sure that is necessary.
Oversimplification does not help anyone. Fables, analogies, metaphors and allegorical tales are lost on the overly literal members of society.
I was abused as a child, or perhaps it was neglect. It was both. It is still difficult to define because I bought into my mother’s off kilter view of life. So there is still a part, a very small part, of myself that tells me, “You had a hand in it.” And she was at times a good mother. In this all or nothing society, a bit, both, or somewhere in between is not well received. We want things clean and simple.
Nothing is simple. Everything is a woven intricate mesh of interrelationships.
I need to finish something. I need some alone time, some time to focus. I need to find a way to have my husband understand that the more he hovers around the house, the more tense and unproductive I am. His office is quite close at a nearby University and unless he is meeting with an other professor or research group or has an appointment with a student, he is working at home more and more often writing reports, writing grants, and doing the administrative work that goes with being a successful research professor. I am not a person who can get anything done when anyone is nearby. Whether it is cleaning or writing, I need huge chunks of time and space to myself to accomplish anything.
To me it seems like my husband is always here at home. It isn’t true that he is always here, but his coming and going several times during the day distracts and disrupts me and makes me feel like he is here or due to come back any second. He doesn’t keep a regular schedule and that unpredictability promotes insecurity in me. I like to know what is happening when.
That is my summer challenge. If I don’t finish one of my projects soon I am just going to dissolve into a puddle of jello-ish (line) indecisive incompetence.
I’ll feel better tomorrow. I will figure out how to frame this as best I can, but re-framing alone will not give me more alone time or space. I am consistent and I know my needs.
I hope you feel better.. PTSD is a hard battle..